Guilt Trip

Taking a trip down guilt.

It was such a sudden thought that just came up on the bus, hey why don't I just fly straight home after landing in Melbourne once my Tasmania trip is done with? Within 2 days, I've checked all the flights and transport. Then I talked to my manager about possibly taking such a long leave in July. 

The truth is it might have been easier if they weren't short staffed, but I could tell that my manager didn't want me to go. Initially she had even said no, and she apologized for that, but I guess I was lucky. The other manager was there and though he's quite stern he is actually really nice. He somewhat persuaded her to let me go, and saying that it's fine while coming up with a whole range of solutions. I felt really grateful that in the end my leave was somewhat approved and they both gave the green light for me to book my flights.

But now, I'm having second thoughts..

Is this all worth it? Just to take a trip back home for 2 weeks?

I've got so many of dem feels now I just can't even handle. I haven't been home for so long, well just 1.5 years but for someone who used to go home every 4 months that's really long. It's just maybe it's been too long. I've gotten so used to here that it feels awkward to go back. How am I going to deal with all the separation again? What am I going to do back there? Is there a reason I want to be back there? Is there a reason not to?

I'm afraid of the change. Everything has been so routine here, am I going to have a hard time adjusting?

I know that I can do without having to head home, I've done it before and I can do it again. But I'm afraid of being disappointed when I head back, what's left there for me? It feels like I'm forever stuck in this limbo of not being here and not being there at the same time. That place is my home yet I feel more at home here. Even so, this place isn't mine to call home, I don't belong here. So where do I belong then?

I'm worried if I take time off now I won't be able to take anymore at the end of the year when I might actually need it. It seems unwise to just drop everything and leave on a whim. Deep down I'm wondering, maybe I should save up my leaves for something better..

Sigh, how do I even begin to work this out?