Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Guilt Trip

Taking a trip down guilt.

It was such a sudden thought that just came up on the bus, hey why don't I just fly straight home after landing in Melbourne once my Tasmania trip is done with? Within 2 days, I've checked all the flights and transport. Then I talked to my manager about possibly taking such a long leave in July. 

The truth is it might have been easier if they weren't short staffed, but I could tell that my manager didn't want me to go. Initially she had even said no, and she apologized for that, but I guess I was lucky. The other manager was there and though he's quite stern he is actually really nice. He somewhat persuaded her to let me go, and saying that it's fine while coming up with a whole range of solutions. I felt really grateful that in the end my leave was somewhat approved and they both gave the green light for me to book my flights.

But now, I'm having second thoughts..

Is this all worth it? Just to take a trip back home for 2 weeks?

I've got so many of dem feels now I just can't even handle. I haven't been home for so long, well just 1.5 years but for someone who used to go home every 4 months that's really long. It's just maybe it's been too long. I've gotten so used to here that it feels awkward to go back. How am I going to deal with all the separation again? What am I going to do back there? Is there a reason I want to be back there? Is there a reason not to?

I'm afraid of the change. Everything has been so routine here, am I going to have a hard time adjusting?

I know that I can do without having to head home, I've done it before and I can do it again. But I'm afraid of being disappointed when I head back, what's left there for me? It feels like I'm forever stuck in this limbo of not being here and not being there at the same time. That place is my home yet I feel more at home here. Even so, this place isn't mine to call home, I don't belong here. So where do I belong then?

I'm worried if I take time off now I won't be able to take anymore at the end of the year when I might actually need it. It seems unwise to just drop everything and leave on a whim. Deep down I'm wondering, maybe I should save up my leaves for something better..

Sigh, how do I even begin to work this out?

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Pleas

I want so desperately to run away from who I am. To throw away all these responsibilities. To stop being me for awhile. I want to go somewhere where I can just exist with no thoughts and no worries.

After all this time, I thought I have improved, but it turns out I've gotten worse. I want so badly to throw away my emotions and not to feel anything. I want a break from life. I want to be alone, yet I'm afraid of feeling lonely. I want to be someone else, yet I don't want to lose everything I care about.

Tell me, how do I stop the tears when all they do is run?

These feelings

I can't seem to find the words to describe what I am feeling today. Anger? Sadness? Hurt? Disappointment? Maybe it's all of it at once?

Being unable to say what I want to say is torture. Everything is bubbling in me yet I don't know how to even begin letting it all out. I'm afraid once I start it will all come pouring out and I won't be able to put it back inside. I'm scared of letting the world know what I'm feeling, this indescribable feeling, but I can't seem to fix it.  

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

FFS

This is super annoying. Having terrible customers is all in a days' work, but having bad coworkers is just a whole different level. I've been working at the pharmacy for 2 months plus now and recently there's a new replacement pharmacist filling in. Thank God he's not here permanently because I might as well shoot myself now.

I really tried to like him, tried to work with him, and I just really don't want to start hating on him because once I start I won't be able to stop. Still, I can't stand him. When he just started, he was really blur which was acceptable because he was new. I did half his work for him, plus I had to do my own stuff too. It turns out he thought I was an intern so he treated me like the slave who does all the dispensing, counselling, while also taking scripts in and out. Okay, fine. Told him I wasn't an intern. Told him about the flow of the workspace, where the scripts go and that he should always check if there's any waiting to be done. 

For the first few weeks, I either had to dispense on my own or I had to remind him there's stuff on the shelf because he just wouldn't notice. He got a bit better now, he notices things now but he still needs reminding. Fine, good enough. 

I noticed he dispenses really slowly but I never say anything about it because it's not really something I can change, as long as he gets it done. But then, he's always super free around the dispensary when there's no customers. It's as if he doesn't have anything else to do but dispense and counsel. I told my manager about it and she said he does have stuff to do, he just doesn't do it. Like what the hell man.

He's much much older than I am but he's got this really weird 4D personality which is exactly the type I can't stand. In simple terms, he's another Yap photocopy. It's so annoying. He makes all these lame jokes and he sometimes likes to ask customers what their favourite number is for the buzzers. Everytime I hear that I just wanna curl up and die because it's so cringy and lame. He's always joking about asking me to stay longer or start earlier and it's so irritating. Like what the fuck it's not funny when you tell me to stay longer every single shift I have. 

But today. Today he just ticked me off so much because I noticed he always gets me to clean up his mess. Like what did I do man, I don't know anything about the situation yet you want me to handle it. So there was this customer who came in with a script and it was in the queue. He waited ten minutes till it was his turn and in the end it turns out we didn't have the item. He was dispensing the script but he asked me to take it out and said 'just apologise profusely' like it was some joke. It's not funny?? I didn't take the script in, I didn't dispense it, and I just came back from my ten minute break. In the end I gave it out to the guy and he was upset and made a complaint. Great. I didn't even do anything and I had to be at the receiving end of it. It was so obvious that he purposely made me take it out because he never asks me to take any scripts out, ever. He always does it himself even if there's a million scripts waiting behind, or he leaves it on the counter and continues doing his stuff. Seriously what the fuck. Clearly he knew the customer would be upset, he just didn't want to deal with it and made me do it. Get your shit together man. 

This even happened last time when a customer wanted four boxes of Gastrostop and he didn't know that we're only allowed to give one at a time. But lucky him, we only had one box left and he gave that one out. Then the customer asked me again and I didn't know we couldn't give more than one at that time so I offered her the smaller pack and I gave her three plus the big pack he gave her. My manager was so pissed and asked who did it. We were both there and my manager told me off but when my manager left, he was like hahaha lucky that wasn't me, not my fault. I was like, what kind of attitude is that?? Your professionalism, where is it??

Seriously I think I'm really ticked off by his attitude of nonchalance and not being professional at times. One time an Asian lady had a mouth ulcer and he commented 'oh you know Asians like to eat spicy food so tell her not to eat spicy food for awhile'. What the hell? I get your point, but could you have worded it a little better? I'm Asian and I don't enjoy spicy food, where is your God now?

Every time something goes wrong he doesn't try much to fix it, even if he was involved he'll just be like oh I don't know, leave it to the manager and she'll fix it. I hate that he's always relying on other people to get stuff done. Hate that he's always making his lame jokes. Hate that he's always giving weird suggestions like chamomile tea for insomnia. We're a legitimate pharmacy with medications for fuck's sake, not a supermarket selling tea bags in aisle three. Hate that he just gives out any medications as long as customers ask for it, even if they don't actually need it, or if they can't actually have it. 

Ugh I just really hope the new pharmacist gets here quick because I am literally about to run into a wall soon.

Monday, January 4, 2016

致回忆中的晨:

我们当初从陌生人开始,最终也以陌生人结束。我一直都很想把当时的你收藏在我心里最深处,但发现你慢慢变成了我心底最难解开的结。现实中的你,现在的你,已不是我回忆中的你,也许你从来都不是我想象中的那个人。多么想把时间停在那快乐的时刻,却照成我如今依然还在寻找着眼里的你。

你,只不过是我的想象。你,其实曾为存在过。

谢谢你的回忆陪伴着我,虽然你已离去。你已做好了本分,现在我想自己一个人继续下去。我相信我能够坚强,但我不能够在继续带着你走下去。时温柔,又是陌生的眼神,看似在乎,其实若无其事,我应该比这些还值得吧?

再见。希望不再见。

我是时候开始新的回忆吧。